The Pleasure Principle
According to the psychoanalytic theory of Sigmund Freud, the pleasure principle is “the instinctive seeking of pleasure and avoiding of pain to satisfy biological and psychological needs”….according to a very effective and reliable Google search. (Ha!) In reality, when you think about the idea of pleasure, everyone would arguable have a different definition of what would generate a “good feeling”. Likewise, everyone would likely have a different definition of pain and what would be considered a source of a “bad feeling”. The pleasure principle is only a framework- the motivation and mindset behind the choices we make in alignment with the pleasure principle is of even greater interest and the focal point of this post.
Why is it that in our society, we are taught to make choices that often appease the desires of others? The preservation of external “peace” often becomes the most important factor in decision making, whether consciously or unconsciously. In that reflex response of appeasement to other people’s wants, our own needs often become neglected, thereby labeling self-consideration as “selfish” or of-lesser-value than the desires of others.
If the theory behind the pleasure principle is true, that would mean that making decisions to keep the external peace is internalized as being more “pleasurable” than maintaining intrinsic peace. If we instinctually “avoid pain”, then that also means many of us are so desensitized to the internal war and chaos that goes on every day through putting ourselves last, negative self-talk, external influences, the scared ego, etc. that we don’t even notice or consider it “pain” anymore. Our desensitization has now grown into a subconscious coping mechanism to “survive the pain”.
How often do you take a moment to self-asses what your needs are before responding favorably to the expectation’s others have set for you, without your consent in the first place? How much time are you going to let pass before you ask yourself what your heart needs from you?
Photography by Garth Joseph @oneteamnodream
We are not often taught to pause before responding. We’re taught to respond quickly to trigger the instant gratification pleasure response (by tailoring our actions to keep the peace) by fueling the desires of others. We think to ourselves subconsciously, “If this group, company, person, etc. is happy with my response to their inquiry or expectation, I will feel loved and accepted. If this group, company, person, etc. is angered or upset with my response, I will feel guilty and rejected. I will be unloved.” That’s what is really happening behind the scenes of the conscious mind for most people. We link “pleasure” to how loved we feel. We link “pain” to the idea of being ostracized or rejected. We are taught to seek validation from others as a measuring stick to determine our self-worth, based on their response – thereby giving away our worth to the outside world. This only reinforces the widely-accepted limiting belief that keeping external peace is more important than fulfilling our need for internal peace. This is not true, unless you choose to continue believing so.
How do you change this narrative? How do we begin to take the steps necessary to fill our own cups first in order to serve others from an overflowing cup of abundance, instead of from a place of habit and lack? An empty cup has nothing to give but the cup itself. The cup then becomes no longer yours to serve others with.
The first step to changing the narrative begins with your willingness to become sensitive again. Draw your attention to the inner-chaos that many of us struggle with and have learned to tune out. Notice the inner-war between faith and fear that we promised “I’ll come back with a solution tomorrow” over and over again to. Begin to prioritize the needs of the malnourished inner-child that “we’re always too busy” to attend to on a regular basis.
The first step in changing the narrative is to bring awareness to the inner pain in order to begin attracting solutions that are empowering and begin to restore trust with yourself. Ignorance is not bliss, contrary to popular belief. Ignorance gives our power away. Ignorance propels toxic cycles of behaviors and limiting beliefs to continue without any active participation on our part. In order to be biologically and psychologically convinced that attending to our own intrinsic needs is more “pleasurable” than the instant gratification we receive from blind follow-through of other people’s expectations of us, we must understand and feel the internal “pain” that ensues when we ignore our needs. We have the ability to redefine what our psyche defines as “pleasurable” and “painful”. The pleasure principle can be used in our favor if we change the intention with which we apply it.
Give the universe a chance to show you how worthy of love you truly are when you begin to love yourself unconditionally without comparing, measuring or seeking validation of your worth. You can choose to no longer be “seeking pleasure” from the instant gratification we’ve been conditioned to prioritize. Making other people happy at the expense of nourishing our own needs will no longer feel pleasurable. Our definition of “pleasure” will shift into honoring ourselves and our needs in order to be the greatest version of ourselves in this world to serve in an even greater capacity.
It all begins with a choice to prioritize what you know you need in your heart to remember who you are and your value on this earth. Other peoples’ wants, needs, expectations, desires, demands, reactions etc. do not define your worthiness to be loved. True, unconditional love does not need to be earned. How others assess your life- does not define your worth. How well you appease others- does not define your worth. Money- does not define your worth. Outside praise- does not define your worth. The length of time you’ve spent in the uphill battle of life- does not define your worth. Having a partner or a spouse- does not define your worth. Having power and a title of authority- does not define your worth. Your age- does not define your worth. How much time has passed- does not define your worth. Nothing outside of you can ever define your worth, unless you let it.
You, and only you, can define your worth. Remember that.
To Honoring the Light Within,
➵ Katherine