PS: I’m Breaking Up with Myself
As much as we try to control and predict how any type of relationship will unfold throughout this lifetime, we forget that relationships will always bring waves of uncertainty that we often aren’t prepared for. We sift and we sort through various types of companionships and relations in hopes to find a feeling alignment. We are all in search of that feeling of authentic peace within the dynamic of connections. Searching for that feeling of equal give and take.
We forget to give ourselves some credit, as humans who are constantly bombarded with different types of people, personalities and outlooks on life that contrast our own. We forget that at first, we’re searching for something in complete darkness with an added blindfold on, grasping for anyone or anything that makes us feel like we’re able to somehow makes sense out of life. We form intimate relationships with family, family friends and those who frequently surround us in our childhood even before we yearn for nourishing some of our own resonant relationships, with no choice in the matter.
We forget to show ourselves some compassion for the fact that sometimes, the basis for our relationships as adults are formed on a foundation of complete confusion. Masked trauma-bonding. Habits modeled of unworthiness. We forget that our subconscious absorbs the environments, groups and behaviors we find ourselves in as children and immediately categorize them as being “normal”. As humans, our brains are wired to focus on survival, and that includes feeling accepted and being part of a group (not necessarily an aligned group that makes you feel safe in your own skin.) How can we expect to know who we want to surround ourselves by when we don’t even have our own identity yet? Many of our younger-formed relationships are essentially bred on a “maya”, an illusion, built around an identity and a personality that has been selected for us. We, as children seeking nothing more than acceptance, comply with this selected identity to prove we are worthy. That we can fit in by adjusting ourselves as necessary to keep the peace. How we feel about the adopted identity means nothing; playing out the role projected onto us perfectly becomes everything.
We become so bonded to this projected identity that as we continue to mature into adulthood, some of us continue to believe this is who we really are because “I’ve always been this way”, and there is a plethora of evidence to support that statement in your life. Some of us continue to play out this false identity in the forward-facing world, but know deep down that when silence creeps in, we actually have no idea who we are (but as an adult now we think, “I should know who I am so I’ll keep these thoughts to myself.”) Some of us choose to willingly play out this false yet familiar identity and subconsciously refrain from asking ourselves the deeper questions to uncover the truth because it feels safer. The thought of having no idea who you are for a period of time can be a terrifying thought in itself, so some choose to continue to keep the peace and leave all things as they are and have always been. Others of us can’t live life lying to ourselves anymore, because a life lived in a lie isn’t really living at all.
Photography by Garth Joseph @oneteamnodream
Breaking up a relationship, whether it be romantic, collegial, professional, familial or spiritual, can sometimes feel like the foundation upon which you based your entire identity around in this life is crumbling beneath your feet. You thought you felt confused before walking away or being walked away from? You’ll feel as though you’ve been thrown into those emotional waves of uncertainty that you weren’t prepared for – whether you’re the one who initiated the break up or someone walked away from you. Either way, when you find yourself in the midst of a break up, remember that you’re also in the process of breaking up with an old part of yourself. Relationships have always been a two-way street; you always have choice within a relationship whether you realize it or not. You have a choice to use this time to define who it is you really are and what you really need in your relationships.
The process of coming back home to yourself requires deep resiliency. An unshakable belief that there’s a light, your authentic light, that can be lived in. Others may provide you with feedback, but at the end of the day, no one can give you the answers to your truth but you. It requires mental strength to continue asking yourself the clarifying questions we often avoid in fear of losing ourselves in the process of peeling back the layers of self. It requires courage to actively choose to release the familiar in order to dive into the unknown, trusting that the painful process at first will eventually unravel you to step more fully into your authentic truth. We all have to walk through the pain of uncertainty and fear in order to come back home to ourselves.
Now, all of a sudden, you’re left to ask yourself…. who the heck are you, really? There will be no substantial input from the unsolicited advice peanut gallery because they’ll likely be too focused on playing the victim, or convincing you they know your truth based on your past self, or being rightfully angry or upset with you for being “selfish” or trying to convince you to stay exactly as you were to make them feel more comfortable in their own skin. This is your journey, not theirs. The only person that knows your real intention in the process of a break up is you, and no one else.
The person you are in the process of a breakup with is no longer standing in front of you like a mirror, reflecting all of your old-self tendencies. That relationship and all of its familiar habits are no longer there to be a projection of your deepest wounds, pulling you back into a victim mentality and continuing the old, played out pattern of false identity. All of your impulse-reactions aren’t being triggered by that relationship any more because it no longer exists – but by your own chosen attachments to some belief if they come up. Break ups can become an opportunity for deep reflection, and for taking accountability for your contributions to relationships in the past. You can choose to no longer have any expectations of the other person or people within the dynamic of the broken-up relationship, leaving more space available to ask yourself if you hold any unloving expectations of yourself.
In humanity, you’re breaking up with another person or they’re breaking up with you. In reality, you’re really breaking up with yourself. Your old-self. A piece of your past identity that you’ve outgrown. You’re no longer the same person you were then, unless you continue to choose to be.
Breaking up with another person or yourself is a process. You have a right to feel how you feel about it. You have a right to feel angry, confused, sad, scared, anxious, abandoned …all of the above! But at the end of the day, you’ve either made the conscious decision to break up with (them) your old-self, or that other person has encouraged you along the path to discovering your truth by being the one to walk away from you. You have the choice to ask yourself the deeper questions, and in doing do, you will come closer to living at home within yourself.
In Infinite Light,
➵ Katherine
PS: I’m in the process of a break up because I’m breaking up with pieces of old-self that aren’t who I truly am. I deserve to feel loved, seen and accepted in truth…and so do you.