Build a Foundation for Self-Love
Bubble paths. Facials. Working out. Pedicures. Buying that expensive purse. Ladies night out. Personal sexy-time. Getting your hair did (yes “did”, not “done”!). There are so many ways we explore self-care in an effort to add to our self-love tank. But yet, the tank rarely ever feels full, no matter how much effort we put into taking “self-care” steps of action. Why?
Self-love is about creating a safe space to be intimate with all aspects of yourself in any given moment. It means giving yourself the grace and space to feel what you’re feeling, to be who you’re being, to explore the aspects of yourself you feel guided to explore with full compassion for yourself, without judgment. It means engaging in actions with full presence and embodiment of the moment, without expectation of an outcome. It means being not only a part of the process, but becoming the process itself through the intentions you set behind self-care action steps.
There are a few insights to take note of when you’re engaging in self-care practices in an effort to fill up the self-love tank:
· No one’s self-love tank accepts the same fuel. What may feel like self-care for one person may actually be depleting the self-love tank for another.
· Release expectation and judgment. Expectation of what your personal self-care practices will look like. Judgment of what someone else’s practice looks like.
· It’s all about intention. Intention has the power to change poisonous fuel into nourishment fuel. Sometimes water turns into wine. Better yet, turn the wine to water! Voila, it’s magic!
· Quality over quantity. Need I say more?
· Acknowledge that duality in self-love practices have always and will always exist.
· Deep self-love practices may not always feel good at first. (Bummer.)
· Small, slow and steady self-care practices will win the race to filling up your self-love tank…..but then realize, it was never a race!
Perhaps a bubble bath creates an environment that sets the stage for your subconscious mind to feel safe enough to truly relax and explore how you’re feeling. Maybe that Ladies Night Out brings an opportunity to be more vulnerable, less defensive, and to deepen your connection with those who make you feel at home within yourself. Perhaps you’re shedding old layers of skin, old belief systems and thought patterns that no longer serve and getting your hair did is a physical reminder for yourself that you have the courage to step into this new self that is growing and expanding. Maybe your motivation for working out is to provide yourself the opportunity to move your body as it pleases, with the intention of nourishing a greater balance of the mind, body and spirit by strengthening the physical body.
Self-love is about humbly exploring, accepting and loving every aspect of you – even the shadow aspects of yourself you’ve put so much effort into keeping away from others and ignoring yourself. What at first may seem as superficial attempts at self-love practices can become foundations for self-love (the moment we tune into what our true intention is for engagement in these practices).
Photography by Garth Joseph @oneteamnodream
As with everything in life, the option for duality always exists. Each of these “superficial actions” can also become just that. They can become leverage for patterns of spiritual bypass (telling yourself you’re doing the work, but not really doing the work). You’ll know your intentions have drifted further away from true self-love practice the moment you feel desperation and exhaustion with your self-love tank feeling empty even after “you’ve done so much”. Quality over quantity. This is a cue to step back and examine.
Is there something currently happening in your experience of life that you’re running from? Is there a knowing you know…..that you’d rather pretend you didn’t (wanting to stay in that ignorant state of bliss)? Hazily engaging in actions without intention for the sake of ticking off a to-do box on your list is like filling up your self-love tank with incompatible fuel. No matter how much of this fuel you pump into the tank, your self-love tank will always feel depleted, even if it seems to be overflowing. That’s when the panic sets in. That’s when our ego becomes triggered and pushes us full-force even further into (mindless) actions because it’s scared. It can not make any logical sense of the fact that the self-love tank still feels empty even after doing “all of that work”! It is in that exact moment we need to practice an act of self-love that comes in the form of self-restraint. Stop and observe. Is there a nourishing intention behind taking this “self-care” action step? Is there even an intention at all? These types of self-care action steps will not leave our tanks feeling any more full if we continue to take action mindlessly and bull-headedly.
Contrary to popular belief, acts of deeply intentional self-love practices are not always pleasant at first. The intention is not to necessarily feel good by human standards, but to express and feel what is necessary for the expansion of your soul. We are surrounded by commercials, social media, subconscious marketing strategies and people constantly trying to convince us to always do only what feels good and makes you feel “better” with instant gratification. Monthly wine subscriptions. The hippest fashion trends. Weight loss pills. Expensive jewelry. The latest and greatest car model. All of these things begin to blur the lines between our “needs” (for self-love) and our “wants” (for instant gratification). It’s a societal land mine out here! All the more reason to practice self-restraint and really tune into what you really need in every moment, no matter how pleasant or unpleasant it may seem at first. First impressions are always tainted by our perceptions. Where did these perceptions come from in the first place, anyway?
Sometimes the things that “feel good” at first become sour poison later in our self-love tanks. That’s why our tanks often feel depleted, no matter how many “feel good” things we do. Duality exists in everything. That includes what our individual self-love practices look and feel like, fluctuating with the ebb and flow of life itself. Not everything is meant to feel good, no matter what the magazines say. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won’t. In order to truly begin to fill the self-love tank, both dualities need to be given the grace and space for expression with compassion. Asking anyone to dive into their deepest and darkest feelings, especially if self-love awareness is not currently in your daily practice, can be an overwhelming and daunting task. Be patient with yourself. Take small, slow and steady self-care steps to begin filling up your self-love tank. There’s no rush here. You may want to start by continuing the same self-care practices you have now, but tag a nourishing intention onto them. Begin to notice similarities and differences in engaging in those actions now that you’ve set an intention for self-love fuel.
You’re not competing with anyone, either. Even more importantly, you’re not meant to be competing with yourself. Falling into the trap of becoming a “sore loser” when you’ve decided to put up a fight against yourself is like stabbing holes in your tank from the bottom. You’ll find yourself taking truly aligned self-care steps to fill up your tank until it’s full. Then you’ll come back the next morning only to find your self-love tank meter 50% less than when you left it last night. Scratching your head in complete confusion, you’ll ask yourself, “but where did it all go?”. Patch up those holes by taking the pressure off of yourself!
If stepping into a self-love practice (such as a soothing bubble bath) intentionally means giving yourself the space to cry, then cry. If Ladies Night Out brings up nostalgic thoughts that leave you feeling saddened at first but then allow you to connect more deeply in your relationships, then allow the sadness to be felt. If getting a pedicure allows you to let in those “feel good” feelings that you often shut down out of fear, put your defenses down, get uncomfortable and let those razzle dazzle good vibes in!
Release all judgment of yourself and others. Take off the expectations of what your self-love practice is supposed to look like. Maybe your self-care practice includes hugging trees (hello, my people!) Video games? DO IT. Waking up at 4:30AM to do a yoga sun salutation may be your jam, but for someone else waking up that early means taking away much-needed sleep!
Allow your intuition to guide you to acts of self-care that will fill up your tank of self-love. You’ll notice, over time, that the actions you used to take to fill up your tank are no longer compatible with your tank as you continue to grow and expand as a person, becoming more authentic in your own skin. That’s okay too! Listen to the whispers of your soul past the shouts of the scared ego trying to hold onto patterns and actions that no longer serve you….the ever-expanding you….the new you!
The best part of engaging in self-care practices that are nourishing to your personal self-love tank? Not only will you feel more alive and inspired by life….you’ll have plenty of extra fuel to share with others, if your tanks are compatible! No probllama!
Sending you infinite love and light along your journey. <3
➵ Katherine